Hopefully Timmy Hardaway doesn’t take me off his X-Mas list when I say this, and I swear I’m too gay, but I have an infatuation with Ichiro that would make Amy Fisher proud. Can you blame my ATS All-Star victory azz? The newly signed Mariner looks like the perfect combination of a Grand Theft Auto character and a futuristic Sporting Goods catalog-model. Not to mention, he’s a scientist at the plate and moves smoother than a knife thru butter for happy-brownies. While you rarely find an athlete making this kind of cash worth every penny (5y-100M), with his world-wide marketability, unwavering consistency at the plate and in the field, and status as a clubhouse favorite, Ichiro is a steal in the realm of Mark Buehrle’s contract with the Southsiders.

With that said, while I’m amazed with Seattle’s superstar and still make my girl call-me Ee-chee-row a few times a year, does his lightning-quick speed make Tony Gwynn’s late career success even more impressive. I mean the last 6-7 years of Tony’s career he looked like he used Ichiro in a Maki Roll, while his knees would have made Danny Manning feel like running a marathon, and he still batted around .350 over that span. Shiznit, that’s crazier than Spud Webb winning the Slam Dunk Contest in 1986! Anyway, I gots 2 roll and I gots to get a new Box O’ Wine. No MLB action today, but don’t worry my fellow degenerates, Insideplays also scouts the U-20 World Cup and they have a doubleheader today!