After a nice 4-hour beer, pizza, & nicotine fantasy festival at my homeboy’s bar, I’m more ready for opening day than Mark Grace was for a game’s conclusion so he could chase around 21-year old DePaul students. While trash-talking is all part of draft-day, the lack of injuries you sustain during the season is really the only time you should be acting like Smokey from Friday. As for the biggest rousing I received, (besides the normal: “Greg Gamble’s a fag…and, get a god-damn editor!) was for my 3rd pick of Tony Romo with Tom Brady still on the board. Listen-up people, including all the last place finishers in my league last year, in Tony Romo’s 1st season of throwing a pigskin in a real NFL game he averaged 265 yards and 1.6 TDs per start. You know what the one talented Manning brother averaged…274 yards and 1.9 TDs per start. So after a full-training camp with the 1st team and loads of playmakers all returning, you’re telling me he’s not going to improve? Don’t quit your day-jobs homeboys…well, unless you’re the Baltimore Orioles pitching coach!
Now before I give you my Fantasy No-No’s (players I wouldn’t touch with Poison frontman Bret Michael’s wang…I heard he lost the other “t” in his first name to scabbies!) I’d like to give a heart-felt thought on the tragic passing of 25-year-old Eddie Griffin. The former T-Wolves/Rockets/Seton Hall forward lived with more demons in his head than one could imagine, but was one of the most amazing collegiate talents I’ve ever seen. Check out the 6-10 forward’s numbers as a freshman: 17.8 ppg, 10.8 rpg, 4.4 bpg, and 41 3-pointers. Maybe the demons made life too hard to keep going and he couldn't say no, or maybe next time organizations, college programs, and AAU leeches can do a better job of making sure they kill those damn demons!
With that, I know most of you are here for my Sporting-wit and not my NBA eulogies, so without further ado…I give you my FANTASY FOOTBALL NO-NO’S and Baseball ATS winners…
RANDY MOSS (Patriots)
Besides the fact that he plays half-speed, doesn’t like to get hit, and handles aliments worse than Dr. Kevorkian, I think he’s completely washed-up. His entire game is based on separation-speed and out-jumping opponents, and I don’t think he’s ½ the athlete he once was. While everyone seems to believe hangin' with Brady will resurrect him, I actually think the man with the hottest girlfriends in the world will fall in luv with Wes Welker & Dante’ Stallworth much faster (wear a condom boys…he’s got magic sperm!). Finally, even if he has a few good games early, you can’t tell me he’s gonna like Foxborough when it’s colder than witches titty!
MATT HASSELBECK (Seahawks)
The 31-year-old had the lowest completion % and highest INT totals of his career last season, and heads into this year without his #1 WR Darrell Jackson and with a healthy/well-rested Shaun Alexander. Throw-in the fact that he’s showing some wear-n-tear, makes Rex Grossman look like a fast statue, and still panics cause the best OL in game is playing another year in Minnesota (Steve Hutchinson), it could be back to mediocrity for Matt. To tell you truth, I wasn’t as down on the bald-QB a couple weeks ago, but the lingering shoulder injury has sealed the deal for me…oh yeah, and I’d never draft a QB with the magician known as Seneca Wallace waiting in the wings.
RONNIE BROWN (Dolphins)
This is less of a knock on Brown’s ability and more a knock on how shitty the Dolphins will be. They sucked last year, have an awful offensive line, and settled on a 37 year-old QB that was almost decapitated last season…and who barely beat-out some guy name Cleo Limeade. Maybe I’m crazy, but I just think TDs are somewhat important in fantasy and I don't see how they move ball 80 yards more than once a game.
Unless your league gives bonus points for attempted-murder plots, I would say Rae-Rae is about as a good a choice as Sexy Rexy is for holding your wedding-ring!
BOSTON RED SOX (-1.5 runs) (-115) @ CHICAGO WHITE SOX
Not much of a breakdown needed on this one…All-Star Josh Becket is 2-0 with a 1.61 ERA in his last 3 starts, while rookie John Danks is 0-3 with a 7.04 ERA ova the same span. I should also mention that Boston has the best record in baseball, while the Southsiders only have a better winning % than Tampa Bay, Pittsburg, Florida, & San Fran…Red Sox by 4-6 runs
CHICAGO CUBS @ AARP GIANTS (UNDA 7.5)
This game is the definition of the difference between Night-and-Day. These two played under the lights last night against two soft-tossin’ lefties, while today they’ll be playing under the sun against two hard-throwin’ righties…who arguably have the best arms on their respective staffs…Cubs/Giants 3-5 total runs
CLEVELAND INDIANS @ DETROIT TIGERS
The Tribe’s Brian Westbrook has finally started to pitch like he did a couple years ago (2-1, 2.45 ERA in his last 3 starts), while his groundball style should cause some problems for the HR hittin’ Tigers. Speaking of Detroit, Nate Robertson (7-10, 5.13) has been awful except for the 1st month of the season, and it doesn’t help that he won’t have Gary Sheffield in the middle of the line-up to bail his azz out…Indians by 2-4 runs