As I rolled off of my chinchilla-fur comforter this morning and Ickey-Shuffled my way into the kitchen for a can of Tecate w/ a lime (remember that Vitamin C kids) and some Venison Jerky, I accidentally happened upon a calendar my girl had on the fridge. First off, I apologize fellaz…I didn’t know it was August. My dumb-azz is ranting and raving about the professional diamond and the off-season NBA transactions when I should be discussing the real American pastime…the Gridiron. So with that, I give you some quick pigskin notes to feed your appetite.
DANTE CULPEPPER IN OAKLAND
Word to the wise, if you have a reconstructed knee…maybe you shouldn’t sign a 1-year deal with an O-Line that’s nickname is “The Turnstiles”!
BRETT FAVRE’S LAST GASP
This is going to be an ugly, ugly season for Mr. Vicodin. I guarantee he cries at least three times at the post-game podium and throws twice as many picks as tuddies this year. If he starts every game for the Pack, I promise to throw away my Golden St. Warriors Zubaz…after I wear them for my Super Bowl party!
RANDY MOSS IN BELI-LAND
While most Fantasy Footballers will be eyeing the former Thunder Herd WR, I’m expecting better years from both Donte’ Stallworth and Wes Welker in New England. Randy’s aging faster than Ray Liotta and I expect to see him standing next to a heater nursing a pulled finger-nail as the weather gets icy-cold in Foxborough.
KYLE ORTON HAS THE BODY OF GREGGY G
I’m not joking fellaz…everyday I read or hear how great Mr. Orton’s body looks in training camp. While I’m not gay (except on the 2nd Thursday of the month), I can’t help but picture Orton in a bathing suit every time he drops back to pass.
MARC BULGER WILL HAVE CRAZY FANTASY NUMBERS
The Rams defense is going to be horrific this season, which is great if you have Holt, Bruce, Jackson, Bulger, or the OVA.
Finally, quickly to the NBA, I was in the process of writing-up some break-out performers for the up-coming season, and was just starting to talk-up F/C Andray Blatche when I read he was arrested for soliciting sex to an undercover cop yesterday. Once again, I don’t understand professional athletes. Blatche, a free-agent, was being courting by his former team the Washington Wizards, and reports are he had been offered a 5-year 12.5 million dollar contract. Andray…your telling me there on no groupies, let alone regular girls, that are willing to jingle the jewelry of a potential millionaire? But wait…the best part of this story can be found in a quote from an NBA veteran in the Washington Post about the situation:
"Dude was about to sign a contract for millions and he got arrested for that? That's stupid! Everyone knows you aren't supposed to be out like that when a contract is getting done."
So the NBA vet is saying is O.K. to pull a Hugh Grant as long as you’ve already signed the contract…that’s frickin’ hilarious! Have a great weekend boys and remember to take your Milk Thistle.
KANSAS CITY ROYALS @ NEW YORK YANKEES (-1.5 runs) (-145)
(If I lose, I’ll add 1.5 to my loss total)
Listen boys…this section isn’t about entertainment, this section is about buying some islands. While I’d luv to pick two or three games for ya, nuttin’ looks as good as the Yankees odds lately. The Bronx Bombers are on a mission to make the playoffs and have been absolutely crushing the ball lately, while the Royals are still the Royals and will be sending Odalis “I like food” Perez (6-9. 5.73) to the bump. As for the Yanks starter, who doesn’t luv bettin’ on Wang (12-5, 3.61)…Yanks by 4-8 runs