33. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS
First off, I think Herm Edwards is great guy who would be an awesome High School JV coach or drama actor as an Guidance Counselor. As for the NFL, let’s just say former Lions coach Marty Morningwig shows tapes of Edwards on the sideline before his interviews to improve his stock. Larry Johnson was absolutely right to ask for every penny cause teams are going to line-up 10 in the box and make Huard or Croyle throw to the worst WRing group I’ve ever seen…Paging James Lofton, paging James Lofton.
32. LSU TIGERS
I used to have a lot of friends that were Chiefs fans
31. ATLANTA FALCONS
Off the field distractions, a former collegiate coach in his 1st year in the NFL, Joey Harrington, more distractions, and an O-Line that used to blocking for Ronny “Bad Newz Kennels” Mexico. BTW, anybody know why “Newz” gets a “Z” and “Kennels” does not…I think we now know what sent a red-flag to the feds.
30. CLEVELAND BROWNS
Romeo Crennel said multiple times that Frye was his guy this off-season and then yanked him after 10 throws Sunday. I have a feeling the most fired coach I’ve ever seen is desperately trying to make this a rebuilding year and hopes he can use the: “This was a learning year for Brady Quinn?” as the Browns try to fire him. Funny thing, they have some nice skill position players and probably my favorite former collegiate QB now playing every position in NFL and looking smoother than Jessica Alba’s backside…Joshua “M*tha F*ckin’ Cribbs!
29. MIAMI DOLPHINS
After Nick Saban left like a stripper in the night, the Dolphins organization seemed in more disarray than the Mongoose Team in the movie “Rad” when Cru Jones finally raced like he was capable of. After being turned down by 20 other coaches, the Dolphins finally settled on nice guy Cam Cameron, who I think was on a bunch of Teen-Bop magazines when I was a kid, who proceeded to start his era by bringing in QB Shawn Green and half the head he has left. The worst thing about the Dolphins, after another year of horrific blocking we still won’t know if RB Ronnie Brown is any good or not. Oh yeah, and any team that drafted Ted Ginn Jr. with the 9th overall pick should be allowed to let the fans choose the following year.
28. TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS
No joke, there’s no-way possible Jeff Garcia gets through the 1st four games of the season without a concussion. The Bucs have the worst OL in the league, and I’m guessing the Cadillac has noticed and will be smart to save his gas-money for next year. Bye-Bye Chucky!
27. OAKLAND RAIDERS
They’ll have some fire with the new young coach, have a great comeback story in Ronald Curry, and a pretty solid defense, but the musical chairs at QB and turnstiles up-front will keep their win total no higher than the great Spud Webb’s #...4
26. NEW YORK GIANTS
I love the blind loyalty of an owner who sticks by his coach…the only problem, not one of his players seems to be sticking with him. Especially if the Giants start off slow, you’ll see half the roster run to the training room and at least 3 more books come out that talk about how playing for Tom Coughlin has led them to be impotent.
25. WASHINGTON REDSKINS
I keep waiting for Art Monk & Garry Clark to be racing down the sideline and for the two TE set to actually work again for Coach Gibbs. At least we can still look forward to RB Clinton Portis dressing-up for Halloween and S Sean Taylor dressing-up his helmet to destroy somebody.
24. ARIZONA CARDINALS
Is it just me, or did Larry Fitzgerald seem not to give a flying f*ck in the opener…and quite a bit slower for that matter? Also, if the Cards don’t shore-up their O-Line, the lighting-slow Leinart & Warner will both be wearing matching casts and hats on the sidelines. On the bright side, The Edge looked much better in game 1 than he did all of last year.
23. SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS
For all the talk that these guys are better…I’m not buying it. For all the talk that Mike Nolan is an up-and-coming coach…I’m not buying it. And finally, for all the talk that Vernon Davis is going to be a star at this level…don’t they have to throw the ball to him first?
22. BUFFALO BILLS
Let’s just say that Wax Head Coach Dick Jauron is more conservative than former Senator Larry Craig claimed to be, and that GM Marv Levy thought he was signing-up to be GM of the Buffalo Bingo Organization. The only skill this offense has is if J.P. Losman throws the ball deep to Lee Evans on every other possession, the problem…Coach Dickie thinks throwing a screen pass is riskier than lickin’ a stripper-pole.
21. MINNESOTA VIKINGS
I love them already giving the ball to Adrian Peterson, but don’t love the likelihood of him staying healthy. While the O-Line is dominant and the defense is solid, I’m still not sold on QB Tarvaris Jackson (actually, I just don’t know who he is). I will give props to Coach Childress for giving the kid a shot and somewhat risking his future on him…or maybe, I should give him props cause he really wants Louisville’s Brian Brohm or Hawaii’s Colt Brennan and this is the best way to get his hands on them.
20. HOUSTON TEXANS
I have WR Andre Johnson in both my fantasy leagues…I’m cool, your not! QB Matt Schaub may be worth all the high draft picks the Texans gave-up…and may be worth the firing of the Falcons GM. As for the rest of the team, did I mention I have Andre Johnson!
19. GREEN BAY PACKERS
They may have a solid defense, but their offense is pretty awful and extremely mistake prone thanks to Mr. Favre trying to fit things in like he’s in his mid 20s. Crank-up the Flintstone Vitamins Brett, I have a feeling your going to be hitting the carpet pretty hard this season because your boys can’t run the ball.
18. DETROIT LIONS
Once again, playing in the NFC North means somebody has to win games when the Pack, Viqueens, & Lions play each other. And after watching Joe Montana, wait…I mean Jon Kitna and his ridiculous WRs, I have a feeling they’ll surprise on ton of teams in their dome. As for the other games…bet the over!
17. NEW YORK JETS
I have no idea what to think of the Jets after looking horrific in their 1st game. Sure it was against the Cheaters, but Pennington still can’t throw farther than the QB in Nintendo’s 10-Yard Fight and is injured, Thomas Jones didn’t seem to have the same skip in his step, and Head Coach Mangini seems to have spent more time on film then watching it!
16. ST. LOUIS RAMS
I know Orlando Pace is done and the defensive is horrible, but their offense is so stocked it’s hard to think they won’t hang-around .500 most of the season.
15. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS
Maybe Garrard’s not that good…maybe Leftwich’s just that bad! I wouldn’t touch them on Sunday’s with Tommy Lee’s 3rd leg.
14. TENNESSEE TITANS
Did RB Chris Brown really rush for almost 200 yards? I didn’t see it, so I don’t believe it! As for ATS, let’s just say Vince Young luvs being the underdog!
13. PHILADELPHIA EAGLES
Andy Reid might as well take the year off and pretend to be a father. The Eagles are kinda of like Lynda Carter in the final season of Wonder Woman…still watchable, but no need to bring the Jergens. Almost every single game will be decided by 3 points or less.
12. BALTIMORE RAVENS
I had the Ravens ranked ahead of Pittsburg going into their contest with the Bengals, but I swear I saw their defense get older right before my very eyes last night. Not to mention, McNair looks done, Boller was done before it started, and I’ll bet you a shinny red Smirnoff Ice that Mr. McGahee loses his job to Musa Smith by week 4.
11. DENVER BRONCOS
While they struggled in the opener at Buffalo with new personal scattered all over the field, I did see glimpses of brilliance from Jay Cutler and do believe Travis Henry has a legit shot to lead the league in rushing…oh yeah, and the defense held the Bills to 184 yards. Maybe the Cleveland Browns shouldn’t keep releasing or trading all their defense players so Shanahan can turn them into stars.
10. DALLAS COWBOYS
You can’t stop them, you only can hope to contain them…unless TO overdoses on ego-pills. Sure their defense sucks (BET THE OVER), but they have best RB duo in the league, will be getting Terry Glenn back by midseason, and will continue to see the development of the best gunslinger in the game…BTW, did I mention I have him on my fantasy team?
9. PITTSBURG STEELERS
I absolutely luv new headmaster Mike Tomlin intensity, Big Ben’s chances to prove he’s not just a stupid kid on motorcycle (especially with the deadly trio of Santonio Holmes, Hines Ward, and Heath Miller), the aggressive playmaking defense, and that they added Najah “Poop in the Closet” Davenport to let Fast Willie Parker stay fast by seasons’ end.
8. CINNCINATI BENGALS
While they looked shaky offensively in the 2nd half, once they get that offense rollin’ it’s going to be tough for opponents to keep-up no matter how average their defense is. Also, for all the talk about Rudi Johnson slowing down, he looks in better shape than Jennifer Gardner during Alias.
7. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS
Obviously, if any team in the AFC North (besides the Browns) was in the NFC (Pitts/Cinn/Balt), I’d have them ranked ahead of the Seahawks. But after watching what was supposed to be two improved teams (Ariz & SF) and with Orlando Pace out for the season, I don’t see how Hasselbeck and his bald-azz doesn’t go at least 5-1 in conference. BTW, Mr. Alexander’s back baby!!!!
6. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS
I’m not saying last year was a fluke, but I think they were drained after the experience last season (Katrina) and might have expected things to come too easy this season. Obviously, they have too many weapons to count them out, but I see them winning at home and losing on the road all season.
5. CAROLINA PANTHERS
Call me a crazy degenerate, but let's just say I have a strange feeling about the Panthers after week 1. With a balanced running attack, the best WR in the game, a QB looking to prove he doesn’t suck, and a healthier defense…Fox’s boys may be challenging Da Bears in the NFC and actually living-up to the hype they've received the last few years.
4. CHICAGO BEARS
He’s got little hands, little lil’ feet, short little legs, and can’t outrun Rodney Peete. (If you don’t realize I’m talking about Sexy Rexy, please log-off Insideplays and head to Sean Salisbury’s worthless blog) Oh yeah, and their weaker at RB and DT this season…I still luv them, but you’d be a fool to think their better than last year. Luckily, the NFC North is like the Cubs division…beautifully awful!
3. SAN DIEGO CHARGERS
Let's just say you'd have a better opportunity to push one past the goalie having your magic-stick wrapped in plastic with hot sauce coverin' it, then opponents will be pushing one past the goaline against the Chargers. However, I can’t see them moving higher than the 3rd spot all season when most Arena League squads have better WRs, and their QB (while efficient) has a throwing style that makes Johnny Moxon from Varisty Blues look like Carson Palmer.
2. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS
Cheaters never win, except the Super Bowl 3 out of 4 years. I will not even consider moving the Bradys’ above the Peytons’ until they win home-field for the playoffs...and in my humble (correct) opinion, the Colts won’t lose in Indianapolis this year. Also, I don’t care how many times Moss is dancing in the endzone in September cause I’m sure he’ll be nursing a sore something by the end of October
1. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS
I’ve been saying they’d be champs the last three years…and this February, I’m guessing I’ll be correct in two out of the three…Damn you Pittsburgh, and Damn you the wife that stabbed the Colts DB so he couldn’t out run Big Ben!
Want some baseball picks and swimsuit picks…here ya go
ST. LOUIS CARDINALS @ CINNCINATI REDS
Listen, I’m not gonna tell you the Reds are going to the postseason, but I guarantee the Reds are telling themselves that with their current Cardinals series followed by contests against the Brew Crew and Cubbies. They BEEATCH-slapped LaRussa-azz last night and should look even better against either Mike Maroth (5-6, 6.87) or Anthony Reyes (2-13, 5.61)…two of the worst starting pitchers throughout MLB. As for the Reds starting pitcher, Bronson Arroyo has pitched better than his record projects (8-14, 4.40) and has been even better over his last 3 starts (1-1, 3.15)…Cardinals by 3-5 runs
ATLANTA BRAVES @ NEW YORK METS ESPN
With all the talk the Braves are missing the playoffs, they’re only 5 games out in the Wild Card and looked looser than Ms. Spears at the plate last night. The ageless wonder John Smoltz (13-7, 3.02) loves to have the ball in his hands in big-spots, and with the game on ESPN and Atlanta tying to win their 3rd series in-a-row…that’s what I called this. As for the Mets, 1st half ace John Maine (14-9, 3.80) will try to tame the Braves hot bats (averaging ova 7 runs a game ova their last 6), but he’s struggled of late with a 1-2 record and 5.29 ERA in his last 3 starts. Call me crazy, but I still think the Braves have a shot for some postseason action…Braves by 2-4 runs