Inside Plays

The college football scene worked me over this weekend like a sorority girl with a back-tat...but as Mark McGwire taught me, I’m not here to talk about the past. If I was going to talk about the past, I’d say congrats to the Cubbies and hopefully somebody grabbed my suit-jacket from Da Cougar’s wedding on Friday…which made my Saturday wedding a much more casual affair (every time I think of buying another suit I end-up purchasing an Adidas jumpsuit that makes me look like a Polish mobster). BTW, Polish mobsters don’t deal in drugs, prostitutes, or gambling…it's mostly just the underground sale of fruits and vegetables. Anyway, the move to my palatial estate was a success since my girl hasn’t opened any boxes and found: “How Stella Got her Tube Packed” or “The Joy Suck Club”, and I’ve already become a regular at the local watering-hole. I can’t believe they’ve never seen somebody cry on missed FG of 25 point blowout. With that, I’m rolling into a lil Monday Night Football action and finally look forward to a week of studying spreads instead of moving boxes…Holla

College Picks: 8-9 ATS - NFL Picks: 7-7 ATS - MLB Picks: 113-90 ATS

As I slipped a game unda .500 for the football season last night, I realized I can no longer address the situation ala Isiah Thomas and simply smile to the camera, cover-up my bad decisions with laughter, and sexual harass women in the workplace. Just like WR Bernard Berrian’s reasoning that he’s dropped more balls than an Amsterdam window-model because of a lack of concentration…I too need to stop reading books, going to church, and spending countless hours as a philanthropist…it’s time to do nuttin’ but study the ATS line and drink with a purpose rather than relaxation. Just like the college days, it’s time to light the candles, crank up the Enya, sip on some Cabernet, and study like Sam “Ace” Rothstein is my boss. As for the baseball playoffs, is it me or do the Rockies have a lil Golden St. Warriors vibe going? The atmosphere in Colorado was something out of Disney sports movie and their roster is loaded with more young stars than a Vegas Pool Party at the Hard Rock. As for the Cubbies, you have to luv the draw of the D-backs since their line-up is scattered with sub .250 batting averages and ugly-azz uniforms. If Big Z can out-duel Mr. Webb tomorrow, this series is ova! Anyway, we have college football everyday this week, as well as October baseball, so let’s make the book nervous by Thursday and ready to pay-out by Tuesday!

NEW YORK YANKEES VS CLEVELAND INDIANS (YANKS 3-2)
I’m more amazed than the time I saw Alyssa Milano dating someone without a baseball hat that the experts have picked the Yanks to win this series. The Bronx Bombers were 6-0 with a 2.67 ERA against the Tribe this season and have been one of the hottest teams in baseball ova the 2nd half. Cleveland fans will tell you that C.C. never pitched against them, and while they’re not Raffy Palmeiro’ing (aka lying), he’ll probably only pitch twice and the rest of the staff sported a horrific 8.19 ERA in those contests. While a luv Fausto Carmona, this is his 1st experience in October and he wasn’t anything special against Torre’s crew in his 2 starts (0-1, 4.15). I hate to pick against my Homeboy Orvi (the only blonde-haired, blue-eyed, Jew from Cleveland), but the Yanks have too much rolling for them right now.

LOS ANGELES ANGELS VS BOSTON RED SOX (ROJO SOX 3-2)
Without too much star-power, the Angels captured the West by playing fundamentally sound, getting some unexpected brilliance from the youngsters (OF Reggie Willits & 2B Howie Kendrick), and having outstanding starting pitching day-in and day-out. Unfortunately, their ace Jon Lackey struggled mightily against the B-Sox (0-2, 8.38) and I can’t see them advancing without him winning 2 games in this series. As for Boston, they have more playoff experience than face-in-the-pillow experience for Asia Carrera, not to mention, I fully expect Dice-K to finally live-up to they hype and money he was given this off-season.

COLORADO ROCKIES VS PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES (ROCKIES 3-2)
The Rockies are my Golden St. Warriors of the NBA so I expect them to dominate at home and win at least one on the road. Besides Cole Hamels, I think the Phillies starting staff is extremely average, while I’d also never bet on a team coached by Charlie Manuel to win a playoff series. Colorado is playing with house money right now and is the hottest team in baseball…that’s like betting against Travis Henry not to have a kick-ass football squad at his family reunion in 10 years.

CHICAGO CUBS @ ARIZONA D-BACKS (CUBS 3-1)
If Big Z wins tonight (check out my pick for tonight after this breakdown), this could be a sweep for the Cubbies. Looking at Arizona’s line-up, I can’t figure out how they won more than 70 games this year. They were dead last in batting average (.250) in the NL and ranked 3rd from the bottom in runs scored, and only had one starting pitcher with an ERA under 4.25 (Brandon Webb) that made more than 10 starts. As for the Cubs, Bartman’s nowhere to be seen, the trio of Alfonso, Aramis, & D-Lee are just too much for the D-Backs to handle, and everyone in Chicago deserves more hotties in Cubbie blue for another month.

College Picks: 8-9 ATS - NFL Picks: 7-7 ATS - MLB Picks: 113-91 ATS

A few thoughts on the Cubbies last night:

1. Who in the flying f*ck are these dudes on the D-Backs? I’m a degenerate who knows way too much about the UTEP’s back-up point guard, and I was more clueless than Shawn Kemp after Planned-Parenthood classes when these guys stepped to the dish. If I saw Conner Jackson on the street, I would have guessed he was the guy that got a rusty-trombone from Britany in a Vegas pool before I guessed he was a major leaguer!

2. If Sweet & Salty Lou was gonna take Big Z out an inning later anyway, why not pinch-hit for him with the bases-loaded an inning earlier. I know he was one of the few guys to swing the lumber well against Brandon “Don’t call me Spud” Webb, but with the bags juiced we all know Zambrano is more likely to break his bat ova his knee swinging for the fences than he is to get a hit. Webb gave the Venezuelan some meaty pitches in his early at-bats, but treated him like D-Lee with the bases loaded, as expected. With possibly the best pinch-hitting lefty in the majors available, Daryle “w/ fries” Ward, and Pinella planning to remove him an inning later, I just don’t understand the logic…or why the hell Cinemax doesn’t wait to put on “Stewardesses in Heat” until after the ballgame.

3. In the bottom of the 7th with a Chris Snyder on 3rd and one out, pinch hitter Conner “trombone” Jackson hit a sac-fly to center. While there was no chance for Jacque Jones to actually get the runner at home, did you see his throw…I never saw him throw it to the infield on a fly once during the regular season, and he actually airmailed a halfway decent throw. I’m not here to speculate, but how does that not throw up a red-flag to the senate’s steroid investigation.

With that, let’s breakdown some Thursday Night Football Action and try to win back some luv on the diamond…

College Picks: 8-10 ATS - NFL Picks: 7-7 ATS - MLB Picks: 113-92 ATS

Let’s put the women and children to bed and go rob a M*tha F*ckin’ bank! After 10 months of dominance, I’ve had a worse week than Marion “Raffy Palmeiro” Jones, but unlike her, my reputation can be saved with a Saturday & Sunday of ATS winners. As for Friday, I’m supposed to cook-up a romantic meal for my girl…anybody have any good receipts that include Ramen noodles and Kool-Aid? Speaking of drinking Kool-Aid, why in Onterrio Smith’s Wizzinator is a southsider like me investing in Cubbie Blue? While I have to ride the train to Wrigleyville to win back my church money, that’s merely Gambling 101 (double-up till ya win) and I promise I’m not making the call with a smile on my face. Anyway, I’m off to meet with my football scouts and will finish-up my college picks later day and tomorrow…trust me BEEATCHES, I’m bouncin’ back like Cole Trickle at Daytona!

Here's a lil' luv to make you feel better...

College Picks: 8-10 ATS - NFL Picks: 7-7 ATS - MLB Picks: 113-92 ATS

I’m back you lil degenerates…oh wait, I’m the born-again sinner. Normally, I give you detailed breakdowns and unbridled humor, but after a sub-par week that made Travis Henry look like a guidance counselor…I’m guessing you’re not in the mood for my antics. What can I say, even Kobe Tai had a few days when she didn’t have the same bounce in her hips…but did she quit, hell no, she turned the corner like Troy Davis and made a youngster smile. You know who that reminds me of…ur Homeboy Greggy G!

WISCONSIN BADGERS @ ILLINOIS FIGHTING ZOOKS (UNDA 53)
With the Badgers and Illini tied atop the Medium-sized Ten...

Considering suicide after a tough College football day today GG asked me to post his picks for today. Don't get discourage guys, even the best of us have rough weeks! Anyway, lets get to the picks!

When does the NBA preseason start? I felt like a monkey Asia Carrera’n a football this weekend and only have a Bears victory to make me smile today. While I had a blast last night in the city, taking a cab to a hot dog stand at midnight is never a smart decision to start the week. As for the Chicago Marathon, I will never understand why people wake-up early and run for fun…let alone train for weeks on how to do something that isn’t fun. Might as well sign-up for Sunday School seven days a week or choose pedicuring as a profession…did I mention I feel like shiznit? I’m gonna roll cause I can’t type and look at the screen at the same time, not to mention I know nobody reads this anyway!

DALLAS COWBOYS @ BUFFALO BILLS (+11)
For once I’m going to take a bunch of points and not tell you why.

Final Score: Cowboys 11 Bills 1

MLB Picks: 113-91 ATS - College Picks: 8-13 ATS - NFL Picks: 9-9 ATS

After a weekend that felt like the Falcons were not only recouping Ronny Mexico’s bonus money but yours truly, Monday Night’s victory was needed more than a new insurance policy for Trent Green. Considering I just bought a house I can’t afford, my girl’s filling it with stuff purchased on a maxed-out credit card, and fantasy injuries have changed my lay-away plans for the white-tiger, I need to bring the magic back faster than it takes the Cubs to play a postseason series. Speaking of fantasy and my QB Tony Romo, while I’m not hatin’…you can’t tell me he doesn’t have a little too much cockiness on the field and too much happy-go-luckiness in the locker-room for a guy who 6 games ago was fumbling away Bill Parcells’s career. To be honest, this weekend I’d be shocked if the Cowboys stayed within double digits at home against the New England cheap-shottin’ Cheaters. And I’d jump on it early boys cause it’ll be moving-up all week. As for tonight, you know what they say when the Midshipmen and Panthers meet-up on a Wednesday evening…you throw the records out and drink heavily to dull the pain.

Tonight's the night my college picks get back on track...

MLB Picks: 113-91 ATS - College Picks: 9-13 ATS - NFL Picks: 9-9 ATS

2-0 so far in football this week fellaz! Something must be in the air and it smells like baby-power and weed…I guess Travis Henry must be in town! For those of you who stayed-up for the Navy/Pittsburg OT game last night, have you ever seen a coach make a worse decision than Dave Wannstedt did at the goal-line? Here’s the overtime situation…The Panthers are down 3, sitting at the Navy 2 yard-line on 3rd down, and have two tailbacks that have rushed for ova 200 yards (5.3 ypc) behind an OL that is twice the size of the Midshipmen. So what does Wanny do…he has his freshman QB throw two passes that aren’t even close and his players are now forced to walk to the locker-room in-front of a devastating home-crowd. It reminds me of the days when he coached the Bears and after a double-digit loss would say: “Besides those two 50 yard runs, we played a great game defensively.” Nice guy, cool porn-stache, but I’d rather have Ron Santo coaching my high-jump squad than his sorry-azz. As for the Seminoles/Demon Deacons match-up tonight, let’s just say it’s like deciding between grabbing a short-skirt on the corner in a bad neighborhood or hitting-up the 30 options at the Bunny Ranch…I’m skipping the corner and waiting for all the choices this weekend (but of course I have picture of our favorite FL St. fan). As for the diamond action tonight, you know I have some thoughts and will be throwing down on a little action. What you think…

2006-07 NBA Picks: 171-127 - 2007 MLB Picks: 114-91 ATS
2007 NFL Picks: 9-9 ATS - 2007 College Picks: 9-13 ATS

As I stroll into the weekend riding a 3 game ATS win streak, I think it’s time to let the football gods know I’m done being treated like Trent Green. In the last two years I’ve dominated every sport from Women’s Volleyball to cockfighting, only to see my pigskin picks keep me below the .500 mark. Trust me, I was maven on gridiron for years and just fell into a brief slump like Matt Damon in Rounders...Greggy G is back and ready to find something to put in his 3rd garage spot. Finally, before I roll to my picks (including baseball), did you see the shiznit about Texas A&M coach Dennis Franchione. The shaddy-Beeatch was chargin' his boosters for a newsletter he wrote with inside college football information. Forget that it’s basically illegal in the NCAA and the 2-million a year coach is cheaper than Roger Clemens…did he ask permission to create a PDF of insideplays.com? Have a great weekend Homeboys and make sure to check-in tomorrow for the picks from the man, the myth, the stoned-drunk…Teasin’ T-Bone!

PURDUE BOILERMAKERS (+6) @ MICHIGAN WOLVERINES
Watching Lloyd Carr nervously sneak past a 2-4 Eastern Michigan squad at home (33-22) reminded me of the Walsh parents in the final years of 90210…once the kids graduated from High School, what’s the point of having them on the show! With no confidence...

If you don't trust Greggy G (previous blog), then roll with my Homeboy Teasin' T-Bone's Pigskin Picks!

What a wedding Mr. Charlie, I remember most of it…until dinner. BTW, just because you were skater in the Mighty Ducks movie...doesn't mean you can dance!

Minnesota @ Chicago over 37

I am pretty high on the Bears covering -5 points, but my eyebrows really raised when I saw the points on this one. Now that Griese is taking snaps the Bears will start to put up over 20 a game. Minnesota is licking their chops as well…with either of their QB’s they will rely on Peterson early and that will open up a banged up Chicago secondary(both Tillman and Vasher are hobbling like a sorority girl just victimized by a fraternity ‘train’). The once good Bears D will give up 20+…again.

Carolina @ Arizona -5

Both teams are looking for a leader right now, and they are at complete opposite extremes with their choices. The Panthers are slowly realizing that David Carr is really as bad as he showed in Houston for several years, plus he is banged up to boot. On the Cardinals side, you have a veteran in Kurt Warner who is very healthy and is one of the most precise pigskin chuckers when he is. Kurt won’t be a good choice after week 10 cuz his old bones will wear down, but this week he is fresh, he will rely on the Edge to control the clock, and he will find Fitzgerald at least seven times. This spells victory in my book. Zona by 10.

TEASERS

Oakland @ San Diego teased down to -4

New Orleans @ Seattle teased down to -1

No words on these fellas, just call your buddy Sharky and tell him you want 30 dimes on this tease, grab a Special Brew and tell your lady that you and the boys are eatin’ filet mignon tonight baby!

MLB Picks:114-91 ats - NFL Picks:11-9 ats - College Picks:10-15 ats

Supposedly, my wingman at the wedding Saturday night was told by the groom to get me out before I knocked over another old lady...what can I say, I think those two 32oz. White Russians for breakfast was my downfall. And speaking of downfall, how about the defense formerly known as Da Bears…I think Brian Urlacher is still stuck behind FB Tony Richardson and Adam Archuleta is still stuck not being very good. While Devin Hester once again proved he’s the only playmaker on the squad, it also proves that GM Jerry Angelo has no idea when it comes to drafting or signing WRs. On a positive note, how about Cyclone great Sage “Joe Montana” Rosenfels (11-12 82 yards, 1 Td, 0 Int) looking smoother than Joe Cain from the Program during mop-up duty for the Texans...too bad his alma mater looked like a monkey Asia Carerra’ian a football against the Longhorns. I never thought I’d say this, but I miss Dan McCarney…and the party-animal known as Larry “Natural Light” Eustachy, but who doesn’t!

MLB Picks: 115-91 ats - NFL Picks: 12-9 ats - College Picks: 10-15 ats

Closed-out the gambling week with a 2-0 performance last night and actually woke-up this morning without as much kidney/liver pain from the wedding debacle. And how about those Rockies…and how about Kenny Lofton doing his best Vinny Testaverde impression? With that, I think it’s time for Greggy G’s Top-5 old geezers of professional sports:

At the age of 44, the Dallas Mavericks signed the 7-foot former Michigan St. Spartan last year and even gave him 42 minutes of court time to showcase a body that would make Michael Sweetney cry…and possibly the shortest arms I’ve ever seen for a frontcourt banger. I’m not hatin’, but the dude looks like a Tyrannosaurs Rex grabbing a rebound.

Who doesn’t love a 46 year-old knuckleballer who reminds you more of the Crisco, Bardall, Vagisil wonder Eddie Harris from the movie Major League than a 25-year MLB veteran. I don’t know why I think this is cool, but all knuckleball pitchers should have career record of exactly .500…just like Charlie, 216 wins & 216 loses.

The hairy-armed little magician played in the toughest professional league until he was 43 years-old. After the age of 40, Doug Flutie became the only player ever to rush for 2 Tds in a game and be named AFC Offensive Player of the week. How many short-white dudes can say they won a Heisman Trophy, became a legend in Canada for something other than hockey, and are able to say they met and played for Bill “I am God” Belichick.

You know you’re old when your number is retired by the White Sox in 1989, only to find yourself playing for them from 1996-97…and then again from 2000-01. While the DH/RF probably had the prettiest left-handed swing and blackman’s beard I’ve ever seen, what was more amazing was the fact that he only said 9 words over the course of his 22-year career.

After throwing the 1st perfect game in the 2000 Little League World Series, Mr. Almonte proceeded to strike-out 62 of 72 batters in tournament in 2001. But following numerous investigations, it turned out Danny was older than Heather Locklear, and was then forced to pitch against kids his age and never seemed to find that dominate ability he had when striking out T-ballers. One cool side note, in 2005, information leaked that Danny was married to women in her 30s…the funny thing, I’M NOT JOKING!!!

MLB Picks: 115-91 ats - NFL Picks: 12-9 ats - College Picks: 10-15 ats

TENNESSEE (3-2, 2-1 away) @ HOUSTON -3 (3-3, 2-1 home)
Once Andre Johnson gets back, QB Matt Schaub may have one of the deadliest group of deep threat WRs (Kevin Walter & Andre Davis) since Rae Carruth was dating chicks he knocked-up. You guys know I’m a huge Vince Young fans, but not at 80%...and especially not if he’s holding the clipboard for Kerry Collins.

Final Score: TEXANS 23 TITANS 13

ATS Picks - MLB: 115-91 NFL: 12-9 College: 10-15

I’m usually not the kind of guy into teasers…unless it involves her wearing a Chuck Norris outfit and the use of Gold Bond (Wasabi scented), but tonight, I’m feeling frisker than a Lohan at a rehab center and look forward to hoppin’ on T-Bone’s Teaser bandwagon. BTW, if you don’t know what a Teaser is, you shouldn’t be at this website and should take all your sporting advice from Stuart Scott and Skip Bayless. With that, let’s take a peak at some Thursday Night football action and continue to pillage our favorite bookmakers…

ATS PICKS - MLB: 116-91 - NFL: 12-9 - College Picks: 10-15

BIG TEN FRIDAY/SATURDAY TEASER!!!

NORTHWESTERN WILDCATS (4-3) @ EASTERN MICHIGAN EAGLES (2-5)
*Teasing the Wildcats from -10 to -4

After looking like Gary Busy in a mug-shot thru the 1st 4 games, the Wildcats have bounced back and won two of three Big Ten contests (Minn., @MST)…and their only loss coming by 12 to Michigan. In his 1st season as the fulltime signal-caller, JR. QB C.J. Bacher struggled with the offense early, but has been done a Tim Hardaway over the last two games (aka a changed man). After throwing 4 Tds, 7 Ints thru the first 5 games, Bacher has bounced back in the Wildcats last two victories with 9 Tds, 0 Int, 990 yards and a 75 comp%...damn! While the defense couldn’t stop the Little Giants from scoring double-digits, Eastern Michigan is not what I call an offensive juggernaut and has only scored more than 22 points once this season…and that was against then (2-4) Ohio...and they still lost. The Wildcats will easily score in the 50s tonight and I’d be shocked if the Eagles can muster 40 against anyone in the Big Ten. II luv it even more when you drop to -4 and pair it with…

Check-out T-Bone's magic on the link below and Greg Gamble's on the prev. post...did I mention he's rollin' with half a teaser from Friday?!

ATS PICKS - MLB: 116-91 - NFL: 12-9 - College Picks: 13-17

Since my 3-2 weekend started-off with a teaser, I've decided to roll into Sunday with another one...and the lil' beeatch is like the Noxema-girl movin' to 90210...too get to be true!