GREGGY G'S CHICAGO ALL-STAR SQUAD...Part 1
(...with a hottie to match each diamond winner!)
AJ PIERZYNSKI vs GEOVANY SOTO
No matter how much I love the surly left-handed a-hole’ish A.J., no backstop is more dangerous than the soul-pole swinging Soto…and I’m talking eating space-cakes, shrooms on a pizza, lost my Homeboys and wandering the streets of Amsterdam late night-dangerous! Even with Pierzynski hitting ova .300 and unexpectedly holding his own in the 2-spot, Geovany’s numbers rival most 3rd baseman while he’s shown a veteran maturity handling the pitching staff…I’ll take Soto by two Micky’s Ice 40s and a bag of Chili Fritos ova AJ
DERREK LEE vs NICK SWISHER
Even if he was hitting .320 with 15 dongs...
DERREK LEE vs NICK SWISHER
Even if he was hitting .320 with 15 dongs, the non-stop commercials of Nicky the Swish doing the worm would give my vote to the best defensive 1st baseman in the league. While Swisher has actually looked smoother at the plate since he moved to a more natural position and doesn’t have to worry about looking like Rob Mackowiak in center, with Lee’s power numbers up and always seeming to break a slump with a clutch hit, it would be absurd not to say Derrek’s a vicodin and case of 40s of ovathe patient .220 switch-hitter.
MARK DEROSA vs ALEXEI RAMIREZ
I know Cubbie Nation will think I’m crazy and might piss on my old condo after the game, but the 110 lb-soaking wet Ramirez’s surprising emergence is main reason the Sox have snuck into 1st place. With crazy range in the infield, the ability to play CF, and an average just below the .300 hitting DeRosa, I believe his defensive ability gives him the edge ova the “Jack-of-all-traits, master of none” former college QB. Don’t get me wrong, Mark is invaluable to Sweet & Salty Lou because of the line-up options he enables, but I have a feeling even Cub fans will even start to see how this cult hero brings a Jerome Walton type of excitement to the diamond…Alexei by some backwash from a Mickey’s Grenade.
RYAN THERIOT vs ORLANDO CABRERA
Once again the Wrigleyville Faithful will call me a homer, but this call is strictly based on how these two are playing right now. While Cabrera struggled early as the fiery Theriot looked like a Tony Gwynn version of David Eckstein, just like how Britney started off smoking in a school girl outfit and now just smokes and eats Funjuns, ova the last week Orlando is hitting .409 with 3 Hrs as The Riot has struggling to the tune of .211 with only 1 run scored. As for the field, both have been solid, but I’ll take the veteran that seems to have woken-up since taking a pitch of the noggin…Give me Cabrera by two 40s duck-taped to my hands. (Seriously, my cousin did this as part of a college drinking game his freshman year, but the cops showed-up and all the underage kids were busted cause they couldn’t get the beer out of their hands…frickin’ hilarious!)
You think Aramis gave Jenny Craig a call this off-season?
ARAMIS RAMIREZ vs JOE CREDE
Even though Crede’s power numbers easy eclipse Ramirez and his back has held-up better than Aurora Snow’s in “Double Parked”, Aramis’s new found love for baseball has changed the veteran vibe in the clubhouse and given the youngsters something to look-up to. While his powers numbers are a lil down and his average is where it usually is, the once lazy-azz has shed the pounds, improved his defense, appears locked-in to winning, and most importantly, been extremely selective at the plate with a .399 OB%...which is almost 60 points higher than his career average. Throw-in Crede’s suddenly suspect throws from the hot-corner, and I give this one to Ramirez by a Mickey’s Grendade after slamming some Thera-Flu
Sorry to post so late and only give you half the breakdowns, but I had some crazy shiznit happen to me this morning. Check back tomorrow for more match-ups, Teasin' T-Bone and maybe some info on my crazy story!