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Handicapping the HR Derby...by Greggy G

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Odds are they're either talking about the Home Run Derby...or how to get rid of back-acne!

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Hopefully she'll be one of ball-chasers in the OF 2night!

With nuttin’ but the Derby on the docket tonight, maybe I’ll take a day off from investing my hard-earned dollars on a carnival wager…just kidding, that would be like Charlie Sheen deciding to stay faithful instead of hanging-out with strippers, hookers, & nose-candy! With that, let’s handicap this little slug-fest:

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No matter how they look, it's not a bright idea to bet on a righty to win the HR Derby at Yankee Stadium

With the ridiculous short-porch in right, it’s tough to rationalize taking anybody that isn’t a lefty…that’s like hanging at a Mexican Sports Bar trying to pull chicks while watching the Clippers battle the Raptors. While Ryan Braun might be the only righty worth the risk ($50 gets you $325), I’ve crossed every other one off my scorecard:

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I know this is old, but just be thankful his name isn't Jerry Garafalo...I don't think you'd like the undies picture as much

Evan Longoria (9 to 1) - While the payoff might get a few to jump, that’s like a Gridiron GM realistically thinking he can pull-off Brandon Lloyd and Marty Booker as his #1 and #2 WRs…oh wait, I meant every GM except Jerry Angelo.

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And this was his neck before he started lifting!

Dan Uggla (15 to 2) – Tough to invest on a 2nd Baseman unda 6-foot to win a HR Derby…even one with a thicker neck than Oprah.

The obvious favorite is batting practice legend Josh Hamilton, and while he’ll probably win it (2 to 1), I don’t think I can stomach ESPN discussing his “feel-good” story for the 120th time...the 121st time in Round 2...and the 122nd time in the Finals. While beating those demons should be commended (and considering my azz couldn’t cold-turkey TheraFlu), I’ve been beaten over the head with his story to the point it no longer “feels-good”.

Lance Berkman (7 to 2) – Even though the switch-hitting Berkman won the Derby in 2005 on the right side, with the porch sitting a messily 314 ft down the line I’d be shocked if he didn’t swing from the left side. But even with his experience, considering he hasn’t left the yard since June, that’s like a team watching Jason Kidd age right before their eyes and then trading all their prized talent for him…no way that happens.

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The cameraman must be Grady Sizemore

Grady Sizemore (6 to 1) – Tough to root for Sizemore when everytime you hit on a chick at the bar she says: “Hold that thought, Grady's stepping to the dish"

Chase Utley (5 to 1) – A nice little sleeper since his specialty is using a quick-swing to flip the ball down the line, but my guess is the undersized Utley will tire in the later rounds if he advances.

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Just like our friend, Morneau has the size, but is used to showing it off in-doors

Justin Morneau (5 to 1) – While he may look the part, considering he’s played more games than anybody in the contest and currently ranks 55th in HRs with 14, that’s like a team trusting Kerry Wood to be healthy enough to be their closer all season…and that’s just silly!

Damn-it, I ran out of contestants. While I hate to do it, I have to go with the chalk and three rounds of “What an Amazing Story”.
Josh Hamilton is your champion.

Posted by Greg Gamble on July 14, 2008 1:25 PM |


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