As I rolled off my Kola Bear skin-sofa and made my way to the Bloody Mary Station this morning, a strange sensation resonated through my body and I immediately knew something was wrong. After quickly mixing some Milk Thistle into my Bloody, I bolted for the driveway like John Daly for the Clubhouse Bar after 18 and scooped-up my daily periodical. I ripped it open to the back of the sports section and I swear my heart skipped a beat…and I hadn’t even touched anything from Matt Jones’s stash. To my dismay, the only ATS information available was for a couple thoroughbreds, the WNBA, and some football…and unfortunately, not the right football.

I was devastated and cried like Brett Favre at a press-conference to announce he doesn’t want to stay home and help-out around house. I quickly gathered myself as I heard my gardeners laughing as they trimmed my Grass Tennis court and headed to Gym…to awkwardly stare at chicks on the treadmill while pretending to stretch for a run as I figured out what to do with this void in my life.

When I need to clear my head, I roll to the sauna

While sweating out my sins like Travis Henry in the sauna, I realized some of my diehard-degenerate fans may be strugglin' like me and decided to give them something to mull over in an otherwise worthless day. (Oh yeah, did you guys see that RB Kevin Jones signed with the Bears…you probably weren’t surprised since I told you they would three weeks ago.) With that, here are five thoughts to help make it through the day:

GREG GAMBLE'S FIVE THOUGHTS OF THE DAY

Hey dork...lie much today?

1. Receipts exist for HGH Shipments to Clemens’s house
I cannot wait for the The Roided Rocked to through his wife under the bus again and claim the HGH was for her SI Photo shoot. The best news regarding the Clemens-saga has been the reports he’s lost millions to legal fees and lost endorsements, not to mention the ego-driven turd’s reputation makes Barry Bonds look like Denzel. While the actually use of HGH is not a huge issue for me, the lies and strong-armed approach by a guy who thinks he’s above everyone & everything is what makes my alcohol-laced blood bowl. Have fun in the slammer BEEATCH!