NFL ATS HANDICAPPIN' FROM DA YEKER!
NFL GURU MADNESS FROM DA YEKER!
It’s the second week of the NFL season and that can only mean two things: Favre is still just planning his retirement press conference and the lines being laid in V town aren’t on their money yet. This means, it’s silly to pump up your 401k when you can rely on your +130/OVA plan to setup your Costa Rican retirement.
HOUSTON TEXANS @ TENNESSEE TITANS (+7)
If you missed the Texans first game of season, just recall a Texans game you watched from previous years and it would be like watching the game again in slow-mo NFL Films. They couldn’t pass, couldn’t run, and couldn’t stop the explosion of the Mark “Dirty” Sanchez onto the NFL stage with a roaring 84.3 QB rating. It got so bad that fans started calling for midget hands Rex Grossman. And as a Staley mascot tattooed Bears fan, I would like to do a public service to Houston fans and let them know that no matter how bad Matt Schaub gets (I mean even multiple amputee injuries), Grossman is the answer to no question except the definition of un-athletic professional athlete. If he gets in, he’ll make you cry to have Parsley Sage Rosenmaryfels back.
Tennessee on the other hand, while they did not win, gave a game of it to defending Super Bowl Champs Pittsburgh. They shut down the run and got after Roethlisberger, sacking him 4 times and picked him 2 times. It would have been a lot worse if Roethlisberger wasn’t a mountain of man that can take hits and still deliver the ball to his big play receiver Santonio Holmes.
As for the game at hand, Schaub stats are not good playing in the smoky mountain air (Ricky Williams maybe you should ask for a trade) only throwing for 222 total yards and 3 interceptions in the past 2 games there. Unlike Roethlisberger, Schaub is barely a hill of man. Look for Tennessee to have him on the run all day with just their front 4 and doubling down Andre Johnson at the same time. As for Tennessee, they have had an extra 3 days off to work out the kinks of their offense. Look for them to control the clock all game long by working on their run game with at least 1 big play-action pass of the game from drunken master Kerry Collins.
All in all it looks like Houston is volunteering for a slaughter at Tennessee this week.
Tennessee 27 Houston 14
MINNESOTA VIKINGS (-10) & OVA @ DETROIT LIONS
He’s old, creaky, and only got a preseason worth of throwing the ball around in a sandlot wearing Wrangler Jeans, but Favre is all that the Vikings needed to be great. Week 1 let him use his arm to turn Percy Harvin into the same phenom in the NFL as he was catching passes from “All Humanity Team” Tim Tebow. And for those that missed it, he’s backed by an RB named AP who runs faster and stronger than anyone else in the league and lives up to his fellow Minnesotan’s Jessie the Body’s quote from Predator of “I ain’t got time to bleed”. While the team, namely the D, didn’t overwhelm a mediocre Cleveland Frowns team, you could see the pieces coming together for at least one half of the NFC Championship Game.
They will be one week better now. Expect them to hit on all cylinders, and as an announcer said best last week, Jared Allen is a different player on turf. Oh, did I mention, they are playing the Lions. The Lions who let Drew “the Mole” Brees put on up 6 middle school-esqueTDs through the air. The Lions who have been winless in their last 18 games.
The net result of my plus-minus analysis of this game is as follows:
Vikings by Super Massive Numbers...Vikings 48 Lions 13